I was talking to a friend the other day about relationships, and the topic of ‘putting yourself out there’ came up. We both laughed because it was something we had both heard countless times but it still made no sense to either of us.
I have lost count of the number of times well meaning people advised me to ‘put myself out there’ so I can be found by my Mr. Right. By this, they meant I should hang out more, attend more events, try new activities, meet new people etc. I was told that I was not going to be found at home so I needed to take ‘homebody’ self out there and allow myself be found.
But somehow this advice never sat well with me. Maybe it was because I was being advised to do things that were completely out of my comfort zone. I interpreted this advice as ‘ I needed to be a socialite to get a man’. For me, this meant I needed to hang-out with friends after work ( I typically only hang out on weekends), attend EVERY event I am invited to, allow my friends hook me up on blind dates, possibly sign up to Tinder and so on. I needed to create a whole new persona to be found by Mr. Right. My preferred lifestyle – the one where I go home after work, be selective about the kind of events I attend and abstained from casual dating was going to leave me single for a loooooooooonnnnngggg time.
So I tried to put myself out there a few times, I went out with friends after work and attended a few events I wouldn’t naturally go to. In terms of blind dates, I didn’t go on any but I met a few guys who were friends of friends and found myself maintaining communications with a few ‘time-wasting’ guys all in the name of putting myself out there. Truth be told, I enjoyed some of the ‘putting myself out there’ activities and events – some activities have now become hobbies. I also met a number of people in that time but none of them was Mr. Right.
Eventually, I got fed up, I was tired of these extra-curricular activities I was involved in just to meet Mr. Right and I still hadn’t met him. Even though I enjoyed some aspects of this new persona, it was strenuous because it was not my natural disposition plus it was not yielding any result. So I reverted back to my homebody ways – my happy state. And truth is even though the chances of Mr. Right coming to knock on my door were non-existent, I just knew that I didn’t have to do things or be at places that made me uncomfortable just to meet Mr. Right. It just didn’t make sense. Mr Right had to want me for me and not because of some persona I tried to portray.
Back to my friend, who I was talking to – she is sort of opposite to me. She loves to hang out and would attend an event with good music and people – she was always in with the cool crowd. And yet she was also being advised to put herself out there as well. Out where? Her current lifestyle is the equivalent of me putting myself out there. So where is my girl supposed to put herself? Out- out there? She even told me of another variation of the advice she had been given, which was ‘position yourself well’. What does that even mean?
The more I thought of this, I realised that infact I already put myself out there. Every day I get up and leave the house to go about my daily business, be it to church, work, volunteer, take a stroll, go shopping or go visit friends/family, I am putting myself out there. I realised I didn’t need to take up extra-curricular I didn’t enjoy just to be found by a man.
Understand this, whatever it takes to get something/someone, you will require that and more to sustain that thing or the person. So if you have to be someone else to be get found Mr right, you have to maintain that persona to keep Mr. Right. You shouldn’t need to spend evening after evening hanging out at different ‘cool spots’ hoping to be found. You can be found on your way to work or to the shops. The Bible tells us we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14), so there is a reason why you are the way you are whether you are an introvert or extrovert. And you are good enough just the way you are.
whatever it takes to get someone, you will require that and more to sustain that relationship
Am I advocating for a boring and unadventourous life, or encouraging you to live perpetually in your comfort zone. Not at all, , by all means try new things and adopt new activities that YOU actually enjoy and not just do for the sake of being found by Mr. Right. Like I mentioned previously, the only advantage of my ‘putting myself out there’ phase was the new hobbies I picked up.
So with this understanding, my advice to other ladies would be to ‘get up and go about your business’. I am reminded of the story of Rebekah – Isaac’s wife (Genesis 24). Abraham’s servant had gone back to his master’s home country to find a wife for his son Isaac, and he found Rebekah at the spring going about her business. Similarly Boaz, took an initial liking to Ruth while she was out in his field gathering grains for herself and Naomi – she was going about her business. That is how you put yourself out there!
Get up and go about your business
And as you go about your business, God who is faithful and just would cause the lines to fall upon you in pleasant places and your steps would be ordered aright into a divinely ochestrated relationship in Jesus’ name.